i'm facing the truth

i've been sitting on this post since yesterday, because i wasn't sure i wanted to write it. after much thought, i've decided that since blogging is so therapeutic to me, that i should just go ahead and power through it. i'm not totally sure what my fingers are going to type, how long this entry may be, or just how emotional or raw it may be, so please bear with me.

those of you who know us personally, know about some of the issues we've been having with andrew. those of you who have come to know me through reading this blog, are about to learn more about the inner dealings of our family and the issues we are currently facing. to all of you, i welcome your thoughts and insight, but please ask that you understand how emotional i am right now, and take that into consideration when posting any comments.

i'm honestly not quite sure where to begin with this. i joke with people, and say "andrew has alway been a challenging child...since 26 weeks in the womb!" that's when i was put on bed rest due to preterm labor. he is an extremely intelligent child who likes things his way and must have control over the situation at all time (hmmm...wonder where he gets these this from!) i tell people that he has "all the traits we love in adults, but look to change in children." he is strong willed, opinionated, smart, clever, etc...i can't find enough words to describe all of the qualities i absolutely LOVE about andrew. but...then come the "other moments." it's almost as if he becomes another child. his facial expression changes, he tightens up and becomes so angry that it scares me. he says things like "i don't love you", "you're not the best mommy", "stupid butt head". his anger becomes physical. he says things like, "i'm going to pinch/hit/kick you" and then proceeds to follow through on these words. for quite a while these things would only manifest toward derek and me. recently, andrew has begun to talk/act this way toward jacob. i have to be quite honest when i tell you that i am scared. i'm at a point where i will not leave andrew alone in a room with jacob, for fear that he will hurt him. i think that may be the first time i've admitted that fact, and i'm terribly saddened to say it, but it's true.

with all of this going on, derek and i decided it was time to reach out for help. i must say that one of the hardest things about being a parent, is to face the fact that there might be something "wrong" with your child. i use this term "wrong" loosely, because again, i know that andrew is a fantastic kid. he just has some things that need to be worked on, so he can learn to control himself. through recommendation. i contact child find in fairfax county a few weeks ago. they told me it could be 5-6 weeks before i would receive a call back. in the meantime, i started researching and pursuing other avenues. last thursday i received a call from child find. they had a cancellation and wanted to know if i could bring andrew in for an evaluation. i called my dad, to watch jacob, and andrew and i went in. my stomach was tied in knots. andrew kept asking where we were going. i said we were going to play (which was sort of the truth...it's an evaluation through play). skip ahead an hour and the evaluator had quite a bit of "data" to work with. much to my surprise, andrew had "acted out" in front of her, by calling me names and being physical toward me. she would present her observations, along with our input, to a committee on tuesday (just yesterday), who would determine whether or not andrew qualified for services provided through the county. she was certain he would not be turned away, based on the things she observed. totally nauseated, i worked up what i would say during this meeting. here i was, making a case that my child was in need of special services to help him learn to control his emotions before it got out of hand and potentially affected someone else or himself. this was the hardest thing i've EVER had to do...and i must say, i've made some pretty difficult presentations! well, after 15 minutes of questions, answers and conversation, the committee decided he was not eligible to receive services, based upon the fact that his behavior was not impacting his/anyone else's education. (as far as we know, these things have never happened at school) i understand their reasoning. i am still mad. i want to find help for my child. i want my child to be happy and not so angry. i want my child to love me. i want my child to know that he is loved. i want my child to love his little brother. i want my chid to know that he is an amazing individual with so much talent. i don't want to walk on pins and needles anymore. i'm tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop and the explosion that will ensue.

so...we are now searching through the many referrals we have received for therapists, to help andrew....and to help us. we need help. what we're doing isn't working. we need help!

please keep us in your thoughts as we make our way along this journey. derek nailed it on the head yesterday as we left the county meeting, when he said to me "you feel like you've been held under water for so long. finally someone was about to lift their hand off your head and give you a breath of air, but now you've just been pushed down again." this is exactly how i feel...i'm drowning. i need a breath of fresh air.

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