THREE!!!

july 2008 - only a few weeks old

july 2009 - 1 year

june 14, 2010 - 2 years

june 2011

my sweet baby jacob....today you are THREE years old! as i'm typing this, you are lying quietly on the couch watching dora...the baby dino one...it's your favorite. i thought you'd take a nap today, but you are too excited about our trip to the playground this afternoon.

jacob, every day spent with you is one that i will cherish forever. you have such a great personality. you make everyone around you smile and laugh with the funny things you say. just today, you were telling me that the playground at camp wasn't fun. when i asked you why, you said, "because there weren't any animals there." i then asked what kind of animals you would want at the playground and you simply said, "wah wahs (giraffes), ryes (tigers) and gorillas. just those three. that's all i want on the playground with me."

not only are you incredibly funny jacob, but your are very smart too! just this past week, you pretty much mastered the art of peeing and pooping on the toilet...self taught! we didn't even really have to "potty train" you. basically, you put the underwear on and were ready to roll! your fave joke right now is when someone says, "what's under there?" and you get to say "under where...ha ha i said underwear!" when you talk, i sometimes forget that i'm talking to such a young child, because the words that come out of your mouth, sound like those from a 5 year old.

although you and andrew argue like the best of 'em, i can tell that you wholeheartedly love and adore your brother. (ok....note...you just fell asleep on the couch...and you are SO cute!!!)
you say and do pretty much everything andrew says and does. you are definitely the "monkey do" of the family. i can't wait to see the relationship between you and andrew grow over the years! and you are just too cute, the way you say "brothers!"

jacob ellis banocy...i love you with all my heart!!! i hope you never change...please stay the sweet, funny, adorable, handsome, loving, cuddly boy that you are! now...if only i could figure out a way to keep you at age 3!

happy birthday my love!

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that's what he said...

we've been having great success potty training jacob so far. here's our conversation one afternoon when jacob woke up from his nap...

j: mommy, i have pull-up on?

me: yes

j: so i can go pee pee in it?

me: well, how about you go on the toilet instead.

j: fine....(sigh)...i'll be potty trained!

what a sense of humor this kid has!!!

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as a mom, i can tell the days when j is tired and needs a nap. last week, on the way home from school, he was rubbing his eyes and said, "mom, i know i doin this (rubbing eyes), but i not tired. i not need nap today."

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d: jacob, what do you want for your birthday?

j: bubbles.

d: what else do you want for your birthday?

j: more bubbles. lots of bubbles.

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me: sleep tight jacob. tomorrow when you wake up you'll be three!

j: no! i not born in june!

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that's what he said...

today in the car, jacob was being quite loud and it was bothering andrew. andrew had asked him to please be quiet several times, and he wouldn't listen. i then told him to please be quiet.

his response..."no i won't stop. i the king!"

jacob was in rare form (aka totally crabby!) at the grocery store today. he threw several tantrums throughout the shopping trip. one of the funniest ones occurred in the pasta aisle. he insisted that he wanted to try the elbow macaroni (which btw was on the shelf....not even in our cart!). i tried explaining to him that it had to be cooked before eating it. i told him it was hard, not soft like the pasta he eats at home. he was screaming, "i want to eat it NOW!" he then took the box off the shelf, opened it, took out a noodle and proceeded to eat it....all this while i stood there and watched (with a smirk on my face!).

crunch, crunch, spit on the floor

"eww mommy. why you have me eat that?"

yes...that box of pasta, now opened and tainted by my 2 year old, came home with us!

later in the shopping trip, jacob refused to ride in the cart. this wouldn't have been such a problem if he would walk with me. nope....the reason....he wanted the milk with the picture of a cow on it....not the milk i had already placed in the cart (sans cow pic). so....he just plopped himself down....right there in front of the milk fridge. and so it was....we had a little standoff in the milk department! guess who won??? ME....we got the milk already in our cart....and jacob walked with me to the register. well, almost all the way there. half of the time he said he was "froggy jacob" and proceeded to hop like a frog saying "ribbit."

no.....this is not a joke! this really was my trip to the grocery store today!!!

now...where's that wine i bought?!?!?

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lies i told my kids recently

yes...that's right...i lie to my kids....and i'm NOT afraid to admit it! sometimes lying to my kids makes life a little easier on all of us...ok, well maybe just on me...but hey, what they don't know won't might not hurt them!

***please note....no children were harmed in the telling of these lies***

1... i told andrew i didn't have any money with me, so we wouldn't have to go to the concession stand after his tball game today

2... i told jacob that the "bike room" at school was closed for cleaning, so i could get him home for a nap, rather than staying to play after school

3... i told jacob that we didn't have a particular movie anymore, just because i simply could not stand to watch it or even hear it in the background again

4... i told andrew the iphone was charging, because i didn't want to have to argue with him about not playing a game on it

so....there you have it....just a few i can remember as i'm sitting here. trust me....there are many more....i guess i fib so much i can't even remember them all!!!

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therapy through typing

today my child told me he hates me. he told me he doesn't love me. he told me I'm stupid. he told me these things not once, not twice. to be honest I don't know how many times he told me. I stopped counting a long time ago. guess it's my way of denying that these things are happening in my own family. between my own child and me. does he do it because he's an angry boy? is he a sad child? i don't think he really feels these things. there's something else he's trying to communicate. but what is it? things had gotten so much better the first half of the school year. I really thought we had turned a corner. things are now back to the way they were before he started kindergarten. why? I shake my head and ask myself this question all day. especially at night. that's when it's the worst. I'm typing this at night because my emotions are so fresh, so raw. the whole day bubbles and bubbles in my body until I can't take it anymore. so I write. I don't write because I want attention. i don't write because i want to hear a million suggestions of what we could be doing differently. I write because it's my therapy. I write because it helps me step out of that denial and face the truth. I am fed up and all I know to do is write.

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whew....what a day!

this was one for the record books folks! i'm sure as i type it, it won't seem as crazy as it all was "in the moment"...but it sure seemed like a DOOZY to me!

after being crazy sick yesterday and being out of it for the whole day, i was looking forward to getting shit done today. (thanks to my amazing neighbor, who watched the boys yesterday!!!) today, i had work to get caught up on and some things needed to be done around the house.

so....it's 9am and i'm heading out the door to take j to school, when the phone rings.

"hi. mrs banocy?"

"yes. this is she."

"this is the clinic at island creek elementary. did you notice andrew's eye was red this morning?"

"yes, but i figured it was because he had been up for 3 hours during the night."

"well, we're going to need you to pick him up. he needs to be seen by his physician and can not return to school until he has done so and they've signed off on the pink eye release form"

"ok...be right there."

i gathered jacob and our stuff....loaded us into the car for the long drive across the street....unloaded j....grabbed a from the clinic....signed him out for the day....made an obligatory stop at the fish pond in the lobby (j will SCREAM if we don't)...headed back to the car....loaded up....called the pediatrician....

despite my extreme flexibility to be seen at either office, the earliest they could see andrew would be 2:30!

drove to preschool....dropped j off at preschool (had to have a teacher come out to the car to watch andrew...he can't come inside if we think he has pink eye!)...all the while j is repeatedly asking me "why hee-hee (that's andrew) not at school? why i go to school if hee hee not at school?"

headed home....started laundry....worked as best i could for 2 hours (keep in mind i had a 6 year old home with me!)....andrew got his fair share of tv/iphone game time....

headed to my doc appointment with said 6 year old in tow....

*i must give him credit....he was AMAZING....just read his book almost the whole time!

diagnosis: allergies! meds prescribed....

drove thru wendy's for some grub.....picked up jacob.....started to head to pediatrician's office...noticed we had about 30 mins to kill....stopped off at CVS (BIG MISTAKE)....

*note....do NOT try to do major coupon/bargain shopping with 2 kids in tow!!!!

finished (miraculously!) at CVS....headed to pediatrician's office....of course, now we were 10 mins late!

andrew: pink eye!

jacob: fluid in both ears....but not yet infected!

meds prescribed for a....none yet for j....

j melts down in lobby while i'm paying.....carry him kicking and SCREAMING out to the car....(still unsure why he's screaming!)

thought we'd head to target to fill rx....WRONG!

j fell asleep in the car....SHIT!!!

knew he needed sleep....a is complaining "i just want to go home already. we've been out all day!" i convince him to drive around for a bit so j can sleep....i do this by telling him that we'll go to the krispy kreme drive-thru!

kk drive thru....a success....j doesn't even wake up!

we head home....j wakes up about 1 min from house....CRYING!

it occurs to me....he hasn't pooped in at least 2, maybe 3 days! CRAP.....literally!

d gets home around 5 and i head to target....sans children!

only to return to j still crying!!!

he finally goes poop....both boys go to sleep....i eat and enjoy a glass of wine.....

and type type type....my therapy!

back to reality tomorrow??? NOPE....andrew can't go to school!

ha ha ha....joke's on me!!!

one thing i've learned about motherhood....as much as we try to plan our days, it is just impossible!!! expect the unexpected....and just roll with it!

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2 and counting...

so...the day has come...my sweet baby jacob has turned two. while he is still as cute as can be, and funnier than ever, he is DEFINITELY two! those of you who have spent time (even just a second) with jacob, can verify that he chooses to communicate through screaming. he is picking up a word or two here and there, but for the most part, we have just come to learn what each of his screams mean. i am always impressed, when andrew figures out what jacob is saying before either derek or i can!

jacob LOVES to play...and play anything...cars, trains, puzzles, art, sports...you name it, he's game! and if he's not, he'll let you know with a ear piercing scream :)

one of jacob's most recent hobbies is annoying the crap out of his big brother. he seems to have learned quite well, exactly what bugs andrew. he has been known to scream very loud in andrew's face, yank away whatever is in andrew's hand, push/hit/shove andrew...hmmm...this all sounds too familiar! oh, i get it...we are making headway with andrew, but someone wants to continue our challenge! well...i say...challenge accepted baby! been there, done that...we're pros now!

i don't have jacob's 2 yr stats...his appointment is tomorrow. i see birthdays as a time to reflect...so here we go...a walk (or crawl, rather) down memory lane of the past year with my baby, jacob ellis.

7.18.09

7.21.09

8.9.09

8.28.09

11.11.09

gotcha...this is andrew! amazing how much they look alike!

2.27.10

5.10.10

5.28.10

6.14.10

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say cheese...

chuck e cheese...that is!

YIPPEE...andrew filled his smiley face chart (for the 3rd time!!!) and earned his trip to chuck e cheese! for those of you who aren't aware...we've created a reward system for andrew's positive behavior. the idea behind this, is that hopefully, by rewarding the positive behavior (rather than punishing for the negative), he will realize that he gets much more by being "good" and following the rules. andrew gets to choose his reward and then we decide together how many smiles he needs to earn. so...when we first started this, he chose extra lego time with daddy and he needed 6 smiles. then he chose a new lego set, so we set it at 10 smiles. when he chose chuck e cheese, we decided 7 faces. the chart starts out with just circles and then he adds the face when it is earned. we have found that this gives him ownership of the chart, as does having him choose the reward.

so...off we went to CeC tonight...what a BLAST!

we ended the night with some ice cream :)

SMILES all around!

andrew has chosen his next reward to be mini golf :)

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update on da boyz...

today jacob had his 15 month checkup (a month late!) and everything looks great. here are his stats and how he compares to andrew at this age.

JACOB

h: 33 1/4 in (the height of an avg. 22 month old!)

w: 25.1 lbs

ANDREW

h: 30 7/8 in

w: 22 lbs 8 oz

JACOB is now officially walking! while this makes it much easier for us to go some places; like the playground or playing outside...it makes it quite difficult when i want to put J in the stroller. over the past 2 months, he has developed QUITE an attitude and let's everyone within a 30 mile radius know when he is not happy about something! this kid has the highest pitched squeals and screams i have ever heard come out of a human mouth! i'm beginning to think we may have a future opera singer on our hands :)

he is also saying "mama" A LOT and does sign language for the words "more", "help" and "all done."

ANDREW is doing fantastic at school! he absolutely loves his friends & teachers and just about every day when i pick him up he says, "mom, school was great today." he continues to amaze me every day with the things he knows...he can now count to 100, count backward from 20-0, write the entire alphabet, do addition and subtraction AND he is starting to read!!! school is full of fun projects...for sukkot, he made an edible sukkah and today he made this edible torah & yad, for simchat torah.

derek and i are continuing to advocate for andrew and help our family be as wonderful as we know it can be. tonight was andrew's last session with his play therapist, as we just did not feel it was the right fit. in 2 weeks, D and i will be meeting with a LCSW at JSSA (jewish social services agency) to discuss services for andrew. hopefully this will provide us with more of what we are searching for! we are still struggling with many of the same issues with andrew, along the lines of physical and verbal behaviors. we also still see how much he struggles to make decisions...much like his mom and dad (wonder where he gets it from)...and it just breaks my heart for such a young child to have such a difficult time.

so...i titled this post "update on da boyz"...which would include DEREK...

i am SO proud to announce that derek has been named an associate at cox, graae & spack architects!!! he has worked very hard to earn this promotion and it has paid off!

in the next few weeks, we are looking forward to enjoying a fun BLOCKtoberfest with our neighbors, a great halloween AND melissa and land's wedding (FINALLY!!!)

xoxo

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we're back...to school!

summer is officially over and school has begun...(and yes, this post is way overdue!). here are some pics of andrew the morning of his first day of pre-k...


jacob and i have been keeping busy while andrew is at school. on t,w,and th i work while A is at school, so jacob stays at home with our sitter, lia. she has been great so far! jacob has started to walk a little bit, but definitely still prefers to use his super speedy crawl to get from place to place.
we've been playing outside as much as we can before the weather turns cold. andrew LOVES his new jeep and also has fun riding in the neighbor's fire truck. jacob constantly tries to get on the ride-on toys...such as bikes and scooters. i think he might be ready to pedal before he really takes off walking! he also loves to play with the sidewalk chalk...as seen in the bottom picture.



many of you have asked about andrew and his progress with play therapy. first of all, i want to thank all of you for your concern and positive energy toward the situation at hand. while we have not seen much progress with the play therapy, we are still hopeful. i understand that it may take time...much longer than we had originally anticipated. starting this week, derek & i will be meeting with the therapist every other week, to hopefully hear feedback about A's sessions and be given some parenting techniques to try at home. we have DEFINITELY had to be BIG advocates for andrew throughout this process. i have been in constant contact with the therapist, since i have not felt that we were getting what we needed from her. after speaking with her earlier this week, i hope we are now on the same page, so we can move forward and see some positive changes in andrew. i will say, that he has had a great transition back to school, which i believe is partially due to his work in play therapy. for this we are very thankful!
i will keep you updated...and thanks again for your love and support!!!

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dress down

derek and i learned a good lesson in parenting yesterday...ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK YOUR CHILD'S OUTFIT WHEN THEY DRESS THEMSELVES!!!

yesterday afternoon i mentioned to andrew that his shorts looked really small. he said they fit fine and wouldn't let me check the tag. i didn't think anything of it, because i know he has some shorts in his drawer that shouldn't be there anymore...they are maybe a little small...like a size 3T. i figured it was one of those!

last night, i was tickling andrew and decided to peek at the tag of his shorts. after almost peeing my pants from laughter, i was able to tell derek what was so funny!

ANDREW HAD NO UNDERWEAR ON...AND HE WAS WEARING A PAIR OF JACOB'S SHORTS...SIZE 12 MONTH!!!

when i asked him how he fit into them he said "i just pulled hard." DUH...MOM AND DAD!

we were roaring with laughter and will now be checking andrew's attire every day...especially before he leaves the house for school next week :)

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livin' by the rules

i have been pretty bad about keeping everyone posted about our family adventures, etc. i have found more of a struggle finding time to blog, since going back to work. but...no more excuses...here i am!

many of you have been asking about how things are going with andrew's play therapy. i have to say, that unfortunately, we have not seen the results we would have hoped for by now. we recently met with the therapist, who explained to us that so far, she has been getting andrew comfortable with the play room and earning his trust. after having time to think about this (and other things she mentioned to us), i decided it was time to step in and kick it up a notch. after explaining our concerns regarding the lack of progress as well as information/resources NOT being shared with us to make changes at home, i told her that i would like an update after each session to feel more connected with what is happening. after andrew's session yesterday, she said in passing, that "it was very good...good stuff today." unfortunately, i missed her call today, so i'm not sure what the "good stuff" was...but apparently is was good, because she referred to it as a "breakthrough" in her voicemail!!! we shall see...

in the meantime, i've picked up my favorite book again, "raising your spirited child." one thing i've learned about my "spirited child" is that he will thrive on a concrete set of rules and boundaries (let's hope this is true!). so tonight, derek, andrew and i will be sitting down to review our family rules, the consequences of not following them and the rewards of livin' by the rules. i'll keep you posted on this and DEFINITELY welcome any suggestions anyone has on this subject!!!

THANKS again for your constant love and support!!!

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brotherly love...

many of you have emailed me asking how things went with soccer last week. to make a long (and exhausting!) story very short, we went every day...andrew did not participate at all. when asked about soccer camp, his response has been something like..."it was boring"..."i cried a lot"..."it was stupid" at first glance i thought "what a waste of money!"...but now i realize it was money well spent! i think he learned a lesson about sticking it out...even if you don't love it!



aside from that update, i wanted to post this adorable picture of the boys...i don't get too many like this, so i wanted to share it...ENJOY!

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let's play...

last night derek and i met with a resident in counseling at creative therapy associates. this group was recommended to me by a friend who once worked there, in an effort to get her license in play therapy. this whole concept of play therapy is so fascinating to me. it's truly amazing how much they can learn from children, while they are engaged in play.

i was quite nervous as we drove there last night, thinking about what this was going to be like. i just kept repeating to myself, why do we have to do this? i realize now that we are definitely doing the right thing for our child. derek and i both left the meeting feeling very confident about the counselor and how she could potentially help our family. after learning about her, the group, and exactly how play therapy works, she had us tell her about andrew. derek spoke first, which was nice. it was good for me to hear him describe what we've been experiencing. i then added some things to the conversation. many times i feel like people may think i'm exaggerating this whole thing, just because i'm the one who gets the brunt of andrew's outbursts, because i'm home with him more. however, it was obvious to me last night, that derek understands exactly what's going on and is fully on board with us receiving help for our son.

after hearing everything we had to say, she told us that she thinks we're coming in at a good point...before things get out of control. she said that a lot of what we told her is "developmentally normal" for his age. she shed some light on several of the issues we discussed and really made me feel that there is hope! she is definitely concerned about the anger and outbursts. she did mention that she'd like to explore the issue of sensory integration, which is interesting b/c i've been thinking about that too...with his sensitivity of noises.

we scheduled andrew's first visit for next thursday...i'll keep you posted.

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decisions, decisions, decisions

for about three weeks now, andrew has been counting down the days until soccer camp. if you've seen or spoken to him over the past month, he's probably told you about going to soccer camp.

on sunday night he was so excited he said he couldn't sleep! yesterday, we headed to the soccer fields, where he was given a brand new soccer ball. he could hardly stand it! well, shortly after the "new ball excitement" wore off, and the kids were split up into groups, he decided he wasn't so sure about this soccer thing. understanding that it is very much like andrew to shy away from activities once he's made to be part of a group, i took many deep breaths and tried to work with him, rather than fight him on his decision to not participate. luckily, jacob is for the most part a chill baby, so he was ok in the stroller with minimal attention. for 1 1/2 hours, i played soccer alongside ten 4 & 5 year olds, and the coach. of course, i was questioning the whole time whether this was the right thing to do. i figured if andrew was ok with it, then it was a good idea. he wasn't fully participating, and i heard a lot of "this is stupid. i'm bored. etc" but we made it through the whole camp. on the way home, he told me he didn't want to go back to soccer camp tomorrow because it's stupid.

you can imagine my surprise when he told both derek and my sister what a great time he had at camp. "we kicked the ball...i scored goals...it was fun." WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!??! ok, so maybe he did like it...let's try again tomorrow, i thought.

how'd today go you ask? let's just say, not so good! andrew flat out refused to participate when we reached the field. he threw a big ol' fit about how it was stupid, he didn't want to do it and he just wanted to go home. at one point, when i didn't seem to be moving, he said "i guess you didn't hear me. i said i wanted to go home RIGHT NOW!" i told him we were not leaving and that if he just wanted to sit and watch the other kids that was fine. internally, i was struggling...do we just leave? do we stick it out? do i ignore it? do i force the issue? eventually i decided we'd leave, but before doing so, i tried figuring out why andrew didn't want to play soccer. from our brief conversation, i gather that this is not what he expected soccer camp to be like. he thought they'd all just be playing soccer, not learning and doing new things. at one point, i said something along the lines of "andrew, i'm sorry this isn't fun for you. it makes mommy sad that you were so excited about soccer and now you don't want to do it." he looked up at me and said, "well, i'm sorry you feel that way mommy." that's when i decided it was time to leave, but again, my stomach was (it still is!) in knots. where do we go from here with this? i don't want to punish him, by forcing him to go...i don't want to let him make the rules by deciding he's not going...i don't know what we'll do tomorrow! after thinking about this all day, i think i'll explain to him that this is what we have planned for this week. we will be going each morning and each day he can decide to participate or sit on the sidelines. i'll just have to take lots of deep breaths!!!

any suggestions?!?!?!

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response to facing the truth...

i am once again reminded of the amazing friends and family i am so blessed and lucky to know and have in my life! i am truly grateful to each and every person who responded to my blog entry...either through direct comment, email, facebook, or phone. you all are truly wonderful human beings!
thank you for all of your advice, encouragement and words of wisdom. i wish i could respond to each of you individually, but i'm sure you will understand, when i say that come 9pm, i am COMPLETELY exhausted from the day. i think that after this post, i will hang out with derek, recap the numerous (yes, there were many!) "moments" i experienced today and then head upstairs to continue reading my new bible...raising your spirited child.
before i leave you, i will provide with a link to child find, since many people have asked questions about it.
again, i thank each and every one of you from the tips of my toes (which badly need a pedi!) all the way up to my hair (which is now much shorter, btw!). i am confident that we, as a family, will get through this. although i may not be able to see it right now, i know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. i welcome you to follow and support us on our journey. my mom said it well yesterday when she said, "amy, this is your mission. you may not know just what to to, but this is your mission!" mom...mission accepted...and i can't wait to someday say, "mission accomplished!!!"

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i'm facing the truth

i've been sitting on this post since yesterday, because i wasn't sure i wanted to write it. after much thought, i've decided that since blogging is so therapeutic to me, that i should just go ahead and power through it. i'm not totally sure what my fingers are going to type, how long this entry may be, or just how emotional or raw it may be, so please bear with me.

those of you who know us personally, know about some of the issues we've been having with andrew. those of you who have come to know me through reading this blog, are about to learn more about the inner dealings of our family and the issues we are currently facing. to all of you, i welcome your thoughts and insight, but please ask that you understand how emotional i am right now, and take that into consideration when posting any comments.

i'm honestly not quite sure where to begin with this. i joke with people, and say "andrew has alway been a challenging child...since 26 weeks in the womb!" that's when i was put on bed rest due to preterm labor. he is an extremely intelligent child who likes things his way and must have control over the situation at all time (hmmm...wonder where he gets these this from!) i tell people that he has "all the traits we love in adults, but look to change in children." he is strong willed, opinionated, smart, clever, etc...i can't find enough words to describe all of the qualities i absolutely LOVE about andrew. but...then come the "other moments." it's almost as if he becomes another child. his facial expression changes, he tightens up and becomes so angry that it scares me. he says things like "i don't love you", "you're not the best mommy", "stupid butt head". his anger becomes physical. he says things like, "i'm going to pinch/hit/kick you" and then proceeds to follow through on these words. for quite a while these things would only manifest toward derek and me. recently, andrew has begun to talk/act this way toward jacob. i have to be quite honest when i tell you that i am scared. i'm at a point where i will not leave andrew alone in a room with jacob, for fear that he will hurt him. i think that may be the first time i've admitted that fact, and i'm terribly saddened to say it, but it's true.

with all of this going on, derek and i decided it was time to reach out for help. i must say that one of the hardest things about being a parent, is to face the fact that there might be something "wrong" with your child. i use this term "wrong" loosely, because again, i know that andrew is a fantastic kid. he just has some things that need to be worked on, so he can learn to control himself. through recommendation. i contact child find in fairfax county a few weeks ago. they told me it could be 5-6 weeks before i would receive a call back. in the meantime, i started researching and pursuing other avenues. last thursday i received a call from child find. they had a cancellation and wanted to know if i could bring andrew in for an evaluation. i called my dad, to watch jacob, and andrew and i went in. my stomach was tied in knots. andrew kept asking where we were going. i said we were going to play (which was sort of the truth...it's an evaluation through play). skip ahead an hour and the evaluator had quite a bit of "data" to work with. much to my surprise, andrew had "acted out" in front of her, by calling me names and being physical toward me. she would present her observations, along with our input, to a committee on tuesday (just yesterday), who would determine whether or not andrew qualified for services provided through the county. she was certain he would not be turned away, based on the things she observed. totally nauseated, i worked up what i would say during this meeting. here i was, making a case that my child was in need of special services to help him learn to control his emotions before it got out of hand and potentially affected someone else or himself. this was the hardest thing i've EVER had to do...and i must say, i've made some pretty difficult presentations! well, after 15 minutes of questions, answers and conversation, the committee decided he was not eligible to receive services, based upon the fact that his behavior was not impacting his/anyone else's education. (as far as we know, these things have never happened at school) i understand their reasoning. i am still mad. i want to find help for my child. i want my child to be happy and not so angry. i want my child to love me. i want my child to know that he is loved. i want my child to love his little brother. i want my chid to know that he is an amazing individual with so much talent. i don't want to walk on pins and needles anymore. i'm tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop and the explosion that will ensue.

so...we are now searching through the many referrals we have received for therapists, to help andrew....and to help us. we need help. what we're doing isn't working. we need help!

please keep us in your thoughts as we make our way along this journey. derek nailed it on the head yesterday as we left the county meeting, when he said to me "you feel like you've been held under water for so long. finally someone was about to lift their hand off your head and give you a breath of air, but now you've just been pushed down again." this is exactly how i feel...i'm drowning. i need a breath of fresh air.

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who had more fun?

one of andrew's friends from school had a birthday party yesterday. i told derek i would take andrew to the party, so he could stay home and work while jacob took a nap. i have to admit, i wasn't totally thrilled about it, since i had imagined (aka dreamed about) spending sunday at the pool...just me, my ipod and a good book. but, off we went to the party...andrew was VERY excited, because he loves going to karley's house. she has a huge basement FILLED with tons of toys!

well, i must say, andrew DEFINITELY had a lot of fun...between the toys, moon bounce, trampoline & of course, cake! i secretly think though, that i may have had a better time at the party than andrew. you see, andrew was having so much fun, that he played just about the whole time. i believe i may have only heard "mommy i need you" two times during the 3 hours we were there...once to cool off his hot dog and the other to help open his juice box. other than those two moments, i was left to chat with the other moms...aka, have a real conversation! in addition to these nice conversations, i enjoyed lunch, cake & ice cream, without a being interrupted by a child needing something...WOW!!! sign me up for the next bday party!

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a child's perspective

as many of you know, my parents have sold their house in reston, va and will soon be moving to sunny florida! they decided not to take ANY furniture with them, which left MANY things to be doled out between my sister and me. amongst many other things we've inherited through this move (ie...soap, shampoo and diapers to name a few), we are going to be the owners of my parent's bed and their family room furniture. in preparation for the movers to deliver these items today, derek and i moved as much of our existing crap out of the way last night. seeing as we have A LOT of crap and NOT A LOT of space, our dining area has become home to our "old" family room furniture. it's quite a mess as you can imagine!

this morning, andrew came downstairs and the first words out of his mouth were "HOLY COW!" after the initial shock of the mess, the following conversation took place...

A: mommy, are we moving?

Me: no honey. remember we are getting nanny and papa's furniture. we had to move our things to make room.

A: it looks like when we moved in here. it's messy. i'm glad we're not moving. what would i do without brendon, sarah, abby and timmy? (these are kids on our street)

Me: and what would mommy do without mrs carnell. she's mommy's buddy. (our next door neighbor)

A: yeah. and we can't ever move because what would i do without timmy's soccer goal! we're gonna have to live here forever! ok?

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privacy act

in my previous life, as a corporate working woman, i would sometimes retreat to the bathroom in search of some silence. don't sigh, you know you've done it too. the boss (typically a man) gets on your nerves and you just need to get away for a few minutes...you head for the ladies room...afterall, it's the best place to hide, right?!?!

i believe that the bathroom should be a place where one should have peace and quiet while they do their "business." it IS called the "rest"room for a reason, don't you think!?!?! well, apparently this is another one of those definitions that only exists until you have kids. now i wonder...will i EVER be able to go to the bathroom ALONE again?!?!

maybe this should go on this list of reasons to go back to work???

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